Why Do Lesbians Love Hozier? An Investigation
On Forest Nymphs and Hair-Worship
This is the Sunday edition of Paging Dr. Lesbian. Plus, this week’s dispatch from the lesbian internet. If you like this type of thing, subscribe!
Before we get into things, I wanted to give you an update about what’s been going on around here. If you aren’t aware, I currently live in Austin, Texas, and, as you are hopefully aware, Texas has been in a crisis this past week due to an unprecedented winter storm and our failing infrastructure (itself brought about by larger issues). Millions were without power and water as temperatures dropped to the single digits, and many still are without these services. (I am fine – both my power and water were restored). If you haven’t already, I urge you to donate to mutual aid funds to help those who are struggling, as these grassroots organizations are the ones who have been saving lives on a daily basis. Some places you can donate are Austin Mutual Aid, Feed the People Dallas, Houston Mutual Aid, and Trinity Mutual Aid, among many others. If you’re not familiar with mutual aid (or even if you are) I’d recommend you read more about it – I’ve heard this book is a great guide (thanks Cole!) but I have not yet read it myself. Let’s take care of one another y’all!
And now, please enjoy this short piece that I wrote several months ago but have kept for a rainy (or snowy) day.
It has come to my attention in recent years that one of the few things about this world that we know is indisputably true is this: lesbians love Hozier. This may seem like an unqualified statement, but let’s review the evidence. Every pro-Hozier space that exists, whether it be on Twitter or at one of his concerts, is populated by lesbians. Indeed, on the text-based queer dating app, Lex, I’ve seen numerous ads that mention Hozier. (Shortly after the app’s launch I also noticed many ads that mentioned the Bon Appetit Test Kitchen, but that’s an investigation for another day). There is even a Spotify playlist called hozier said, “lesbian rights!” As a Hozier fan and a lesbian, I’ve always known this association to be true. The question is, why is this the case? How did this seemingly inane connection come about? That’s what I’m here to investigate. Read on for a highly scientific investigation into this phenomenon.
Reason #1: “Take Me To Church”
The first answer to this question is obvious – the Irish singer wrote the gay rights, pro-marriage equality, anti-homophobic catholic church anthem “Take Me To Church” in 2013. Originally released as a free single, the song grabbed the attention of record labels and eventually landed him with his first record deal. Of course, this song, broadly about the freedom to love who you want to love, could have seemingly endeared Hozier to queer people of all genders. So why do lesbians specifically love him so much? Let’s investigate further.
Because of his large lesbian, queer, and trans fanbase, fans have begun regularly bringing pride flags to his shows. As a result of this, Hozier has begun to don gay, lesbian, bi, and trans pride flags at his concerts. This has endeared him to new queer and trans fans who were not already aware of his status as a lesbian icon.
He also writes notes like this one, to lesbian fan Rosie.
Reason #3: He has beautiful hair
As everyone knows, lesbians love beautiful hair, whether it be long, short, undercut, or Justin Bieber. Hozier’s hair is particularly beautiful, and fans have noticed this. Please enjoy this video of Hozier putting his beautiful hair up in a bun and fans absolutely losing their minds. This is lesbian canon.
Reason #4: He’s a bit of a hermit
It’s widely known that lesbians often enjoy not leaving their houses for long periods of time. We could blame this on the disappearance of lesbian bars across the country, but honestly, sometimes we just want to stay home and watch our favorite gay shows and scroll through Tumblr. Hozier understands this, and similarly enjoys staying inside. Note this relatable Twitter post below.
Reason #5: He has forest nymph energy
Many fans have noted that Hozier has a very witchy, nymph-like, celestial forest energy. All of these things, of course, are lesbian canon. Everyone knows that all lesbians are witches and would live in the middle of the forest if they could. One fan put it this way: “i hope the old irish lesbian bog witch possessing hozier and using him as her consenting vessel is having a good day.” Lesbian rights, indeed.
Reason #6: He allegedly used to date Saoirse Ronan, also a lesbian icon
This one may seem like a stretch but hear me out: Hozier has big lesbian energy, and Saoirse Ronan has big lesbian energy, so them dating basically constitutes a lesbian relationship. This screenshot of Saoirse Ronan proves my point. I would add that Saoirse Ronan starring in lesbian period piece Ammonite further contributes to her lesbian cred, except I hated that movie.
Reason 7: He worships women
While most heterosexual male artists sing about loving women in some way, Hozier sings about women with such reverence and passion that lesbians cannot but help to relate. Just look at this lyric from “Take Me To Church”:
Knows everybody's disapproval
I should've worshiped her sooner
If the Heavens ever did speak
She is the last true mouthpiece
Seriously? He loves women so much, he literally worships at their feet. That’s lesbian canon.
To Conclude
Lesbian fans have seemingly loved Hozier from the very beginning, because of his nymph-like, witchy, forest energy, his tendency to lock himself away for long periods of time, his beautiful hair, and his passionate, respectful love for women. This fan base has only strengthened over time as Hozier began to explicitly support his growing lesbian, queer, and trans fanbase. Investigation over. Long live Hozier lesbians.
Welcome to this week’s dispatch from the lesbian internet. It is short and sweet this week because I have spent most of my time on social media scrolling for updates about our aforementioned statewide crisis/natural disaster and reading about how to melt ice in the toilet when the pipes burst. There were, however, a couple of bright spots.
Three sisters from the valley, aka HAIM (of which I am the honorary fourth member), released two remixes from their album Women In Music Pt. III on Thursday. One is an excellent version of “3 AM” featuring funk king Thundercat, and the other is the song “Gasoline” featuring Taylor Swift. (This comes after Taylor Swift featured HAIM on her The (Dixie) Chicks-inspired-song “No Body No Crime” from Evermore). Needless to say, Taylor Swift screaming “I GET SAD!” and lamenting “You needed ass? Well what’s wrong with that” has been a bright spot in a decidedly stressful week. I even broke my rule of not listening to a song more than once per day because I love it that much. (For more on this, read Hunter Harris’ excellent newsletter on the topic).
On Friday, I was suddenly bombarded with images of Rosamund Pike kissing some woman with shaggy bangs, which means her new Netflix movie I Care A Lot finally came out. Obviously, I had to check it out. Within the first five minutes Rosamund Pike threatens to grab a man’s “dick and balls and pull them clean off,” and the film also includes a scene where Rosamund Pike vapes inside a bank vault while stealing from someone’s security deposit box. It’s no Gone Girl and I found its internal logic somewhat questionable, but it has its moments.
Also on Friday, the 7th episode of Wandavision premiered, which featured an excellent performance by the one and only Kathryn Hahn. (I will not spoil it here, but if you’ve been on Twitter over the weekend I’m sure you’ve already been spoiled). My only reason for including Wandavision on this dispatch is that Elizabeth Olsen (the titular Wanda) and Kathryn Hahn are both beautiful and talented women, and for these simple reasons are obviously beloved by sapphics (and everyone). Kathryn Hahn is in particular beloved by sapphics because of this video (below) – perfectly edited to the Carol soundtrack – of her staring lovingly at Rachel Weisz (also a lesbian icon) during an actor’s roundtable. This episode caused a revival in this Kathryn Hahn-stanning, including by Netflix itself. (Amazon tried to similarly celebrate Elizabeth Olsen, with tragic results. For comparison, Netflix has a whole Twitter account with an editorial team dedicated to making queer memes). Long may Kathryn reign.
That’s all for this week, folks! One last plug – please donate to mutual aid orgs if you can! And if you like this newsletter, why not share it with a few friends, or even better, post it on social media! Both things would mean a great deal to me.
See you next week, when hopefully more of us will be safe & warm.